Oct 1- Zombies

Perhaps it is a cliché, but if I’m going to talk about scary villains, I have to talk about zombies. In the past several years, zombies have really seen a renewal in their popularity. Of course we all know about the hit series The Walking Dead, but there have been several other areas where zombies have popped up from our video games to even a few movies. Some may like the Resident Evil franchise, but there have been several other zombie flicks (that have been much better). Of course there is 28 Days Later, and there’s the criminally underrated Warm Bodies and the zombie comedies Shaun of the Dead and Zombieland. So why all the popularity? How is it that legions of undead, unthinking bodies have become so prevailant? Well, for a few reasons. For starters, in almost every zombie movie there is a theme of people being shells of their former selves. When a character sees a loved one that has been killed and brought back, it’s a heart wrenching moment for them because they see the person that they once knew and loved, but nothing of what made them who they are is remaining. All that’s left is an instinct to run, kill and eat everything and everyone in sight. Some of the heaviest scenes in The Walking Dead are of people being faced with such a situation. There’s also been a running theme of once they die, somebody has to put a bullet in their brain as insurance that they won’t return as a zombie, or walker as they are called. This sounds like a job for the most willing candidate, but in The Walking Dead, the person who double taps is the person who was closest to them. In that way, it’s seen as a mercy for the dying person and a rite of passage for those who have to pull the trigger. That’s a very dark and twisted detail to add to an already twisted subject.

Typically, zombies tend to be caused by one of two different things: curses and epidemics. These days, most zombies tend to be a result of some drastic experiment or some horrible plague that nobody can identify. The more old school zombies were the result of some curse that raises the dead.

Ideal Specimen: The White Walkers (or The Others) from Game of Thrones

Yeah, who’d have thought that a show featuring dragons, magic and political intrigue would have time for zombies? Well, Game of Thrones certainly does. Actually, white walkers are about as creepy as they get. Nobody really knows for sure where they came from or who made them that way, we just know that if you come across one, the best thing to do would be to burn it, or stab it with obsidian or valyrian steel, the sharpest metal on earth. Their leader is the snowy Darth Maul you see above known only as the Night’s King, who with a wave of his hand can raise the dead, no matter how old they are or what shape they were in when they died. If the person died by having their throat slashed and their arm cut off, that just becomes a minor inconvenience, they don't even seem to notice it.

A flesh wound, if you will

 One of the creepiest scenes in the show is when the Night’s King raises multitudes of dead people around him, men women and children all. There's no chanting, no ritual, no spell being uttered he just raises his hands, and the dead rise with them. And this brings up a question that I have long asked about zombie outbreaks. Which is more intimidating? An epidemic that sees all living things as fair game, or a demon out of hell that can see the difference between adult and child, and just doesn’t care? I mean either way, you’re screwed. 

She's actually the first walker you see in the show

Month of October: Villains

So here we are, the month of October, where we celebrate the reformation of the medieval roman catholic church into the modern denominations that we are free to worship and participate in to this very day. Or, at least that is all they told us in our ultra conservative traditional Lutheran schools. Seriously, Oct 31 was never actually called Halloween in my school. They never even referred to it as All Hallows Eve. It was just Reformation Day.

So, in honor of the lost time I spent in High School ignoring the very existence of Halloween, I’ve decided that I’m going to try something a little different for the month of October. Every day this month, I’m going to talk about villains. In film, television, literature, even a few villainous urban legends that made us frightened of looking under the bed.

Why you may ask? Because I love villains! Whether they are creepy, funny or just annoying. Sometimes the villain can be the most memorable part of a story. How many non-comic book nerds can identify The Joker? How many people that have never seen Star Wars can recognize Darth Vader? The answer is just about everyone because they have become some of the most easily recognized characters in culture.

So, in honor of these characters and their villainous deeds, I’m going to talk about one villain each day for the month of October leading up to Halloween. Some days, I’ll be talking about a group or classification instead of just one specific, in which case I’ll mention the most notable example of why they are so scary and so prevalent. Don’t understand what I mean? Well, join me in Day 1 for a better idea.

How to Make a Proper Terminator Sequel

You don't. You leave the first two be since they are both modern sci-fi cinematic classics. But this is Hollywood we are talking about, the people who will kick a dead horse even after it's just a skeleton.

So here is my idea for a Terminator sequel.

We have it take place in the future during the machine and human war. The idea of time travel has not been introduced yet, so this will take place during that exposition that Kyle Reese was giving to Sarah Connor during the first movie. At one point, he mentions that the machines were sending in terminators that looked like humans to be spies, similar to the Nazi's during the Battle of the Bulge. Here is the time where we get to explore some more of that time period and gives more weight to the desparation that both sides were feeling when they decided to screw with the rules of time and space by rigging the game.

So the story begins during the latter half of the machine war. John Connor has become leader of the human resistance and now it looks like the humans have Skynet on the ropes. Rather than start an all out assault though, the machines do what Kyle Reese was talking about, they try sending in machines that look like humans to spy on the Resistance. After a few times of trial and error, where the models have really fake looking skin, Skynet finally has perfected the art of creating terminators that look like humans. Not only that, but John Connor receives word that Skynet has also found a way to create perfect duplicates of already existing people, even getting them to perfectly mirror a person's personality, and their memories, similar to the robots from the movie The World's End. And much like The World's End, they dispose of the original host once the process is complete. The beauty of this is that, since their personality and memories will be copied into the robot as well, there won't be any sign of anything wrong with them or that they had been replaced by a replicate of themselves. Now keep in mind that this is not like the Marcus Terminator from Salvation where he still had a human heart and human consciousness, so he still had the ability to make his own choices, nor will it be like the new Terminator in Genysis which is a human that has been infected by a terminator or some crap like that. I haven't seen it but from the trailer, it looked pretty dumb. No, this is a terminator that wears the skin and personality of a previously existing person. Their purpose is to spy on the resistance, learn what they can, sow seeds of confusion among the ranks, and eventually kill the resistance leadership, including John Connor from within. This is also before the liquid metal technology was created so it can't take on the appearance of multiple people, it's limited to being one person. Take the historic Battle of the Bulge from World War II and add Terminators to it and viola, you have a Terminator story that doesn't get overly convoluted or continuously screw with the time line.

 This was Skynet's initial plan for ending the war on their terms. John Connor also receives information that during their last encounter assaulting a Skynet facility, the machines captured one or more of John's inner circle to act as these ops. John doesn't know who has been captured, or how many, nor is he aware of how many may be posing as officers or foot soldiers. At this point in the game, Skynet is not aware of John Connor's importance, they just know he is the leader of the resistance, they don't know that he is the one that will spell doom for them. Nor do they know of the importance of Kyle Reese. In fact, Reese being involved in this story would be minimal. I know that making him a target would up the stakes, but it makes no sense for Skynet to view him as such a threat at this point because neither side has developed the capabilities of time travel. Maybe it can be hinted at in the end, but don't use it to set up future sequels because those of us who have seen the other movies already know where it goes from here.

On top of a level of paranoia spreading in John Connor's mind, he doesn't know how he is going to figure out who the 'tratior' is. he can't interrogate them nor can he just start executing people because unless he gets it right the first time, he's going to be seen as going crazy. And he can't make his concerns public because then Skynet will know he's onto them and they will force their hand.

And most importantly: DON'T SPOIL WHO THE TERMINATOR IS IN THE MARKETING!!! For such a big budget franchise, this seems to be the one mistake they are constantly making.

Now the argument could be made that this doesn't add a lot of suspense, since we know that certain characters have to survive in order to continue/start the story of the originals. And yeah, you have a point, but if hollywood clearly doesn't give a shit about continuously screwing up the backstory, then why should I be chastised for trying to keep it the same? And besides, the events of this story would add a level of desparation to what motivates our heroes and villains in the first two movies. Both know what is at stake when they send their players into the past now, and showing more of the machine war could shed light for the audience. Just don't try to screw up the timeline even more. They've tried it three times since T2: Judgement Day, and it just gets stupider.

And there you have it, a Terminator story that does not screw up the story line. It also adds a level of mystery and suspense to the story that was also present in the first two movies. Contrary to popular belief, the action scenes is not the only thing that makes Terminator good. It's also that there was an element of horror present in the first two movies when the machines first showed up in the present.

Also, here's a tip: when casting John Connor, let Michael Biehn play John Connor. Since he played Kyle Reese in the original, in kinda makes sense that John Connor would also look like Michael Biehn

It's almost like they could be father and son!

What we all need to remember about Jurassic World

             It’s a familiar feeling isn’t it? The feeling of reliving your childhood as an adult. It can be a pleasant feeling, but it can also be deceiving. Just because an old friend is coming back to say hi doesn’t mean that they are always going to be there with the best news, or the best intentions.

                Okay, I know that may have sounded like an odd warning of Cold War like paranoia, but it’s an important thing to keep in mind when it comes to the watching of Jurassic World, along with several other upcoming movies including Terminator, Star Wars and Batman v Superman. Think back to when you first saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Remember how excited we all were for it? Our parents saw the original three when they were either growing up or in college, and we got to grow up with the adventures of the gun-toting archaeologist. Honestly, I’m hard pressed to think of a person who wouldn’t be excited to see a new Indiana Jones. I remember remarking as we sat down in the theater how I had been waiting since I was 5 to actually see an Indiana Jones movie in the theaters. Our parents were excited to see it on the big screen again and we were excited to see it on the big screen for the first time…

Until we actually saw it. Yeah…. I remember seeing it with my dad on his birthday and afterwards neither of us really knew what to make of it. I actually wanted to fool myself into thinking it was a good movie. Now that I think about it, I actually went into the grieving process after I saw Crystal Skull. I denied that it was a bad movie, thinking maybe it was a bad dream and that the real movie was on the way, I grew angry that it even existed, I bargained with God about being a better person for perhaps getting a better version of the movie, then I just got really freaking depressed that my childhood dream had been ruined, and now after extensive therapy, I have finally come to terms with it. I don’t own it, nor do I ever wish to watch it again, but that’s okay. I can’t control it, I can only control my own feelings.

But I digress. My point being that when we all go to see Jurassic World next Friday, it is important that we remember the feelings we had when we saw Crystal Skull. After going through that colossal let down we need to remember to not get ourselves overly hyped, because it could turn out to suck and we could all end up back in therapy. However, on the flip side it’s also important to take into account that just because we shouldn’t get our hopes up, doesn’t mean that we should expect it to suck, because then the movie could suck, but not nearly as much as we thought it would, so we are going to pass it off as a good movie. That’s called letting them off the hook and we can’t do that when our collective childhood hangs in the balance.

Fortunately for Jurassic World, there have already been two sequels, the opinions of which range from “meh” to “full on shotgun diarrhea” as one of my friends put it. How he knows what that feels like is beyond me, but I won’t be going to him for dieting advice. Having said that, Jurassic World doesn’t have the highest of high expectations to live up to, just the highest of high hopes that we won’t get to see a raptor get gymnastic-kicked out a window.

At the same time, we need to also give the film makers the benefit of the doubt. The director and writers worked hard to come up with an original story to tell that doesn’t just piggy back off of the first movie. When asked why the original characters, such as Grant Satler and Malcolm wouldn’t be in this movie, Colin Trevorow said that the only reason they would go back to the island is if the writers came up with a lame ass reason for them to come back. He also said that Jurassic Park is ultimately about the consequences of using science to tamper with nature, a la Frankenstein, (remember the quote “life finds a way”) but with the original characters thrown back into the mix, it would just be a story about the shitty luck of these three people. You see that right there shows that the studio didn’t just pick a name out of a hat, they went with a fan who knew what the story was and what it wasn’t. And the idea that they created original characters to continue the story is just further evidence of that.

Alright, I know that I am giving you some conflicting messages here, so let's just get to my ultimate point. Here are the three things you need to do before you go to see Jurassic World.

1.       Calm down- as you are waiting in line at the theater, take some time to calm your mind. The more calm you are, the more able you will be to view the movie fairly.

2.       Don’t watch all three to get caught up- If you want to refamiliarize yourself with the story, then just watch the first one, because based on what I’ve seen in the trailers and the imdb synopsis, the first one seems to be the only one to take into account, seeing as they only mention the original theme park, but not the incident in San Diego or that other incident involving the other island where a bunch of pterodactyls escaped. If those events were taken into account, I don’t think anybody in the world would be open to the idea of a dinosaur theme park.

3.       Learn to leave reality at the door- already, I’ve heard criticism about how unrealistic the idea of creating hybrid dinosaurs is, or the idea that Chris Pratt has trained a squad of Raptors. First off, fuck you, because having trained raptors is badass. Secondly, how grounded in reality are you expecting a movie to be when it’s already involved taking a tiny sample of million-year-old DNA out of a fossilized mosquito who has still remained intact all this time, and using it to create dinosaurs, without the governments of the world investigating or trying to shut the park down, or for them to not have protests from hippies about dinosaurs’ rights? Or the governments of the world or terrorist groups trying to turn these beasts into engines of war? See, already you have had to suspend your disbelief just a little bit. As for the raptors thing, yeah they are the deadliest creatures and one of the smartest animals to have ever existed, but dolphins are pretty damn smart too, and look at the stuff people are making them do at Sea World. It’s kind of humiliating when you think about it. Using raptors as your personal motorcycle hunting posse seems like they are getting away unscathed.

Marvel's Daredevil has what Gotham Wants

Before I begin, let me just say that when it comes to the whole Marvel vs DC debate, I fall on neither side, and I fall on both sides. To me, they are all characters that I enjoy and I am not turned off by the comics label I see in the credits. That being said, let's talk about Marvel's latest offering, Daredevil on Netflix.

It's the show we deserve, but not the show we need... Pretty sure neither of that is true

Actually, let's compare it to the other comic book show that I was excited for until recently, Gotham. Being blunt, I am really dissappointed by Gotham. The characters are really one noted, and in some cases more cartoony than the animated counterpart, the story is dull, and it irritates me how it can never decide what it wants to be. I just want to shake it and ask it if it wants to be more like the Burton version of Batman, or the Nolan version of Batman. Either way, I will like whichever way they choose because I like both of those approaches, but when they swing back and forth week after week, it gets kind of irritating. On top of that, they are focusing too much on characters that we have seen a million times already, while completely forgetting about characters that haven't gotten that much attention in the past, that would be perfect for this show. Yeah, seeing awkward geeky Riddler is fun, and emo, possibly gay Penguin is a scene-stealer, but when are we gonna get Dr. Hugo Strange? And I swear to God, I will protest this show if I never hear anything to do with Black Mask.


                                                 
Seriously, less Jada Pinkett Smith, more of these two. I'll settle for any of these two, in exchange for zero Jada Pinkett Smith

Daredevil, on the other hand is a freaking masterpiece. While Gotham clutters its show with tons of characters that are all underdeveloped, Daredevil keeps the main cast tidy and gives each character (and the actor's playing them) time to shine. While Gotham is a real show that makes its characters feel very comic-book-ey, Daredevil is also a real show and makes its characters feel real. They don't feel like characters pulled from the panels of comics, they feel like real people. What Gotham is really missing is a strong central villain to drive the action of the overall story (again I bring up Black Mask). What Gotham needs is a character like Wesley's employer (we don't say his name), who should feel very cartoony, but actor Vincent D'onofrio plays him in a manner you wouldn't come to expect from a continuity that includes The Red Skull. His characteristics don't come across like they are a personality quirk or a disorder, as tends to be the case with a number of big screen villains, they come across as feeling like real characteristics of people we meet. He has anger issues, we all know someone like that. He's awkward when he is in public, we all have a friend like that. The most sympathetic aspect of his character is that he honest to God, hand over his heart believes that the horrible things he is doing are all for the benefit of his city, or at least will be in the long run. If I had to compare him to another on screen villain, it would be Anton from No Country for Old Men. He takes no real pleasure in doing what he does, but if he doesn't do them, then the world will be thrown off. Characters like that fascinate me, and in a world where we have embraced the villain who feels fully justified even when they are spreading misery and chaos (Red Skull, Loki), it's refreshing to have a character that actually admits "yeah, I've done and will do unforgivable things, and I hate that."

On top of that, his assistant, Wesley is a rather underrated highlight of the show. Where in the comics, he was just Kingpin's sniveling number 2, in the show, he is written as being the Kobayashi to Fisk's Keyser Soze. He's that asshole who you want to hate, but the actor plays him with such a supreme level of confidence and he is truly the best at what he does that he ends up being that villain you hate to love.

Okay, so I've touched on the villains quite a bit, and while I could probably write a whole essay on why I love these characters, there are other characters in the show that I like. Actually, all the characters in the show I like. That's the benefit of keeping your cast clutter free. And there are layers to each character. Sure, Matt's partner Foggy makes a ton of wisecracks, but the two have great chemistry, and it is also made clear that, for as much as Foggy moans about the path they chose vs the path they were offered, he believes that what he is doing is the right thing. Perhaps taking the prestigious job where they interned was the wiser option, but actually representing people in need is ultimately what helps him sleep at night, even if it doesn't always help pay the bills. At least at first.

See what I mean about these people feeling real and having some depth? And that's really what you want most in a tv show where the focus and what draws people to watching it is the characters. And the stronger the characters and relationships are, the more we believe in their emotional conflicts and sympathize with their struggles. The characters and stories in Gotham feel very cartoony and don't take a lot of risks, so we know that in the end, it's going to be alright, and that saps out all of the suspense. Daredevil sees its main character get in a brawl and get the crap kicked out of him almost every episode, and when we see him bruised, bloody, broken, almost die and still wanting to get up for the next round, that's just empowering. Especially when you consider he is blind.

Gotham, learn to take risks. Don't be afraid to drag your characters through hell. That idea may make writers shift a little, but the show will leave a bigger impression on people if you do.

My Idea for a Star Wars Spin Off: Star Wars Suicide Squad

Okay, bear with me here for a bit. With it being anounced that there are several Star Wars spin offs in the works, both in movie and graphic novel form, a lot of people have been wondering what they are going to be about. Some reports say that it will revolve around Han Solo, some think there will be a standalone Boba Fett movie, we know that at least one will be about Rogue Squadron (so think Top Gun in space). Anyway, I recently had an idea for a spin off that I hope will exist at some point, or already exists. Given the amount of books written about the expanded Star Wars universe, I wouldn't be surprised.

So here's how it began. I recently came across this poster in a Hot Topic:

For those of you who don't know, that is Darth Vader (duh) with the group of mercenaries that he had assembled to hunt down the Millenium Falcon in Empire Strikes Back, among them fan favorite Boba Fett and IG-88. I don't know about you, but I always wondered how Vader was able to gather them so quickly. But then I thought, what if this is not the first time that Vader has called upon these mercenaries to get the job done when the imperial stormtroopers are not up to snuff? And then I thought of this: What if these guys could be Star Wars' answer to The Expendables or the Suicide Squad?

So here's the storyline that I have mapped out in my head: The emperor has just come into ultimate power, and he needs to stamp out the remaining resistance from the Clone Wars, along with eliminate any remaining Jedi that managed to escape Order 66, and he needs to stop further seeds of rebellion from growing. However, he can't use Stormtroopers because they are too noticeable and are too formal to pull off any sort of espionage or subtle assassinations. In essence, they have the same weakness as the brithish redcoats. So, in the same way that the British empire called upon Hessian mercenaries to suppress the colonists, so too the emperor wants to employ mercenaries to do what his legions of stormtroopers cannot. He calls upon Darth Vader and Moff Tarkin. You know, this guy....

Tarkin is gonna be in this? Hell yeah he's gonna be in this! We are talking about the guy that was handed the keys to the Death Star and blew up Alderaan without seeking permission, just to prove a point. We are talking about a guy who's ambitious and has no moral compass whatsoever.

So Palpatine commissions Vader and Tarkin to bring together a group of mercenaries to eliminate imperial targets and suppress local rebellions throughout the systems. They search the dregs of their jails as well as recruit other well known bounty hunters like Boba Fett, given the large amount of resources at their disposal along with Vader's connection to the Force, this doesn't take too long. Along with that, Vader also gets his hand on the droid IG-88, and reprograms him to act as a sort of sleeper cell, so that Vader can keep an eye on them even when he's not in the room. He also has the droid fitted with explosives that Vader could detonate should the squad get too unruly or if he senses that they are about to defect to the rebels. That twist however, wouldn't be revealed until later.

So now they have their crack team of mercenaries assembled, with Tarkin and Vader acting as the Mr. Church or the Amanda Waller of the group. After Vader and Tarkin have their team assembled, Palpatine gives them free reign to get the job done however they please, just as long as they deliver the heads of their targets. Of course, being that they are bounty hunters, convincing them to go along with it is not hard because their loyalty is to the highest bidder. As time progresses, Tarkin sees the true benefit of having a ragtag group of deadly bounty hunters at your call. However, he doesn't like having to report to Palpatine, especially because he knows the Emperor will force him to have them executed once he feels their usefulness has run its course. Jumping in front of this, Vader and Tarkin arrange to have their deaths faked on what is supposed to be their last job for the Empire. That would be the end of book/season 1.

Part 2 begins and we are still several years before A New Hope and Vader and Tarkin are still using their squad in a similar capacity as they were before. The only difference is that in addition to eliminating threats to the Empire, they are also using them to blackmail and assassinate political within the Empire. Perhaps at some point Tarkin learns that he is the runner up for the Death Star job, so he has the squad eliminate his competition and blames the Rebel Alliance for his murder, thereby securing his place on the death star and furthering the need for a super weapon since everybody believes the rebels are responsible.Now we are at the halfway mark of part 2, and Vader and Tarkin are put in charge of the death star. However, the rebels have just stolen data discs containing the death star plans and now they have disappeared. With Princess Lea in custody and Tarkin plotting their next move, Vader dispatches the squad to find the death star plans, since he again knows that using stormtroopers attracts too much attention. Boba Fett follows a lead on Tatooine (thus explaining his presence there with Jabba), while the others follow other leads to no avail.After discovering who has them, but failing to recover the plans, Vader and Tarkin begin to question if their squad's usefulness truly has run its course as the Emperor thought. Before Tarkin can make that decision, however, he is killed when the death star is blown up, leaving them solely in the hands of Darth Vader. 

Part 3 begins with Vader, still pissed at the loss of his friend and the death star, considers briefly having them disavowed and executed, but also realizes that he still needs them, and gives them one last chance to prove their worth. After the rebels are driven from their base on Yavin, Vader orders them to eliminate all the rebel leaders, except for Skywalker, and bring him any leads that they can on where Skywalker may be hiding, since the rebels have scattered and very few of them have gone to the same place. On top of that, none of the separate groups know where exactly the other ones are hiding, they just know the general systems for security's sake. Using the information that they gain from the rebel leaders they have found, interrogated, and executed, they are able to regain Vader's favor by telling him that the rebels lead by Skywalker would be in the systems surrounding Hoth. 

From there, I don't really know where to take the story. Obviously that scene in Empire Strikes Back has to play a part, and at some point, they realize that IG-88 has been programmed with a self-detination function, thus leading to them to decide their time together and with the Empire is done. They wash their hands of each other and disappear after Boba Fett captures Han Solo. Vader wants to hunt them all down so Boba Fett fakes his own death by setting himself up to fall in the sarlaac pit. The only piece of expanded universe that I care to acknowledge is that Boba Fett gets out of that pit because that is a lame ass way for such an awesome character to go.

Okay so what do you think? Keep in mind that I only thought of this yesterday while driving to and from school, which is why there are parts that are just glossed over and I am aware of a few plotholes, but that's why I'm putting it out there so that the real writers can take it themselves and turn it into something beautiful. Like I said if there already is a concept like this out there in the form of a comic or novel, let me know, I want to see it. And if it contradicts a piece of expanded lore that was in a book, and not in any of the movies, I really don't care. Like I said I take the expanded universe with a grain of salt.

5 Historical Figures Who Deserve Their Own Movie or Miniseries

You know what is one type of movie we don't have enough of? Badass historical biopics. That should be its own genre. You know what should be even more common? Biopics of people you probably haven't heard of but probably should have. Seriously, we have movies about Lincoln, J Edgar, Churchill, Patton and John Adams (all of which I just realized are the titles of their respective movies), but why can't we get movies for the lesser known figures throughout history? In some cases, they are more deserving of a movie than the people we have given movies too. Here are a few historical figures whose life stories may be too awesome for cinematic interpretation.

DISCLAIMER: Just because I say I want to see a movie made out of these people does not mean I agree or condone all or any of their actions. I merely think seeing a movie about them would be awesome as hell. Let's proceed.

#5- William Tecumseh Sherman

I can't tell if he is flipping the camera guy off, or fondling his trusty sidearm. Probably both.

This Clint Eastwood looking Mother F*&%$# already has a god damn tank named after him, so having a movie with his name would be a step down in his case. Nonetheless, William T Sherman was a well known and more well feared than anything else general of the Civil War. Fighting for the Union under General Ulysses S Grant, Sherman was something of a mad dog, that Grant would sic on the state of Georgia. Georgia, of course, being one of those states any Union officer would love to just punch in the face, and that honor was given to the guy who would go on to have a war machine bearing his name.Needless to say, the occupants of the state's capital were terrified at the prospects of fighting a guy who looked he'd shoot you for telling him his look was not "Disney-appropriate", and tried to reason with him, begging him to go easy and spare the town from his storm like furry. Unfortunately, they caught Sherman when he was not in so much of a negotiating mood, as he was in a 'punching racist hillbillies in the face' mood, so he kindly responded with "You may as well appeal against a thunderstorm". (For the record, he did include that he was only doing this on orders, not that that made the situation any better) The people of Atlanta, having shit themselves (some of them in the literal sense I imagine), immediately tried to clear the city of anything and everything that they could carry and anything that would be of value. Unfortunately for both parties, that included whiskey. Of course we all know what happens when we combine panicking rednecks with spilling of whiskey. By no action of Sherman's the city actually caught fire as a result of the panic and the spilling of highly flammable liquid. Sherman, thinking they had started the party without him, promptly charged into the city and burned to the ground what they hadn't already burned themselves. 

Why I want to see this movie: I know it's hard to talk about the Civil War, but unpleasent as it is, it is a part of our history, and apart from that, we don't seem to have many movies about the more audacious figures of history. Apart from Patton, there aren't really that many others. One of Patton's strengths is that it doesn't really tell the audience how it should feel about its protagonist or its subject material, it just presents the story in a factual manner and lets you decide. So for that reason, a film about Sherman's military career would be an interesting movie.

Because heavy armor is for pussies

#4- The Almogavars

I'll admit, I don't know a whole lot about these guys. What I do know is that they were a group of Crusader Mercenaries. The other thing that I know about them is that as they would charge into battle, they would scrape their weapons on the ground to create sparks while shouting "Awake Iron!"

Why I want to see this movie: Because I think I just described the opening to the most epic of all battle scenes.

#3- Andrew Jackson

His hair alone has probably seen, caused, and gotten more action than I will in my lifetime.

Okay, so remember when I said that just because I wanted to see a movie about these guys didn't necessarily mean I think everything they did was okay? Here is where I am going to exercise this disclaimer and also point out that there is really only one specific incident in Jackson's life that I want to see on the silver screen and that is the Battle of New Orleans. A little history for you. In 1814, the british decided that they weren't done with us quite yet, and massed a full on assault on the young nation known as the United States of America. First they hit the upper east coast, attacking and burning the nation's capital as well as shelling a number of nearby citites. Their other point of attack was in the south, primarily at the port city of New Orleans, which was a prime center for trade seeing as how it granted perfect access to the Mississippi River.Who happened to be in charge of defending the city? None other than Old Hickory himself (a name he got for beating a would-be assassin within an inch of his life with a hickory cane). What were the resources at his disposal? A city on the edge of a swamp, a handful of soldiers, some of them slaves, most of which didn't speak english or had never held a weapon in their life, or pirates with no knowledge of strategy. The British on the other hand, had a force twice that size of battle hardened redcoats, a good number of them probably still bitter from the outcome of the revolution. The odds were not stacked in Jackson's favor. And yet, with the  tactical mind of a war hero such as himself, combined with the ingenuity of the kid from Home Alone, Jackson managed to halt the British invasion of New Orleans and deny them access to the Mississippi. Remember what Mance Rayder said about combining the wildlings on Game of Thrones? "Do you know how I got all these people to unite under one banner? I told them we were all going to die if we didn't" Andrew Jackson was like a real-life version of that character.

Why do I want to see this movie? Imagine a version of the movie 300 where the spartans managed to send the Persians packing with tails between legs. Only in this version, the spartans aren't trained as well and they don't all speak the same language. And there aren't any leather speedos. I prefer this version much more.

#2- John Paul Jones

Pictured: his awkward yearbook photo. Below: His facebook profile picture

John Paul Jones may have a less than masculine looking yearbook photo, but don't let that fool you. He pulled off one of the most daring stunts of any naval battle of the American Revolution. Being in command of a merchant ship called the Bonhomme Richard doesn't exactly raise your sex appeal much, but engaging in a battle against a superior warship called the Serapis certainly does. At one point, Jones' unfortunately named ship had been shot to pieces, and upon being told by the british commander to surrender, Jones cried out "(Bitch) I have not yet begun to fight!"He then proceeded to ram his ship into the Serapis and capture it for his own. Sure shut them up. As it turns out, the commander he had crossed swords with survived his encounter with Jones and was even knighted for valor. I guess the English had a different definition of that word than the rest of the world. Jones said that if he ever met him again, he'd make sure he made it to the status of Lord. 

Why do I want to see this movie? Honestly, I feel like what I described was just out of a movie, and it would probably be a movie that critics would call too unrealistic or too cartoony because nobody could have pulled that off. Goes to show that sometimes real life is better than movies. Hell that line about making his rival a lord was almost like a set up for a badass sequel. Hopefully one that would involve the commander saying "Jones" all menacing an annoyed, like every Indiana Jones villain there is.

#1- Vlad "the Impaler" Tepes aka Count Dracula

Go ahead, I double dog dare you to make fun of his facial hair and his red velvet pajamas.

Oh Hollywood, why must you always get this one wrong? Seriously, with such fascination in characters like Walter White and Frank Underwood, you would think that we could get the original anti-hero right. But instead he keeps getting painted as a psychotic madman. Try telling that to the Romanian people, see how well that goes for you. Here's a little history. Vlad Tepes was the son of a Transylvanian nobleman who was given to the Turkish Sultan as a sort of well-kept hostage (think Theon Greyjoy, only with more balls). After he grew up, he escaped and vowed to protect his land from the Turks by any means necessary. And I do mean ANY. Guy didn't take shit from nobody. You rise against him, he treats you to a nice dinner... and then impales you. Yeah, I will admit he did have some weird fetishes, impaling being the most well known. The trouble with a character like Vlad Tepes is that much of his story was fabricated by his enemies in order to damage his reputation. The problem is that we don't know to what degree was it made up. I can confidently say that him drinking blood was probably less than true, seeing as how drinking blood at all is less than healthy. Drinking the blood of a deceased person who lived in 15th century eastern europe is another story. 

Why do I want to see this movie? A lot of reasons really, though I think I'd be in the minority on this one. You see, I've always been fascinated by people who history has painted as being a certain way, only for researchers to dig and find that not everything is as it seems. To a lot of people he is seen as a madman, to the Romanians he is seen as a national hero. And again, with the growing fascination in pop culture for anti-heroes such as Walter White, it would be interesting to see how a director would paint a figure like Vlad the Impaler, or as I call him, the original Anti-Hero.