The Trouble With: Splitting Books

I hate to sound like a cliche, but I'm really starting to think that Hollywood has run out of ideas. Not because they keep remaking the same shit over and over again even though nobody asked for it. Really the reason is that they are taking the ideas that are already in place and splitting them up as much as they can. The best example is when they split up one book into multiple movies.

The first example of this happening is the final Harry Potter book, which was split into two movies. The first movie covered a good chunk of the parts of the story that needed to be wrapped up, while the second part focused mostly on the battle for Hogwarts. There are those fans out there who think that they should have just stuck to one ridiculously long movie, but as for myself, I thought splitting it was a good idea. Deathly Hallows is one of the longest books I've ever read, and quite frankly, I'm astounded that I managed to get through it at all. So when I heard that they were splitting the book into two movies so they could fit in as much as possible, I was on board with it. Okay, part of me thought it was just another way to squeeze every penny possible out of us, but considering how much I thought they screwed the pooch on Half-Blood Prince, I was glad to see that they were at least attempting to stay true to the book and include as much of the lore as they could. Again, the argument could be made that they should have just made it one long movie, and while I can certainly agree with that to an extent, I still think they did a good job.

Then Things Got Out of Hand
Soon after, it was announced that Peter Jackson was doing something similar with his upcoming adaptation of The Hobbit, and again, I thought it was a strange journey to take, I had also heard that this was their attempt at including parts of Tolkein's other novel The Silmarillion into the story as well. Additionally, they were also going to include the bits about the Necromancer and where Gandalf was during his long absence. Again, I could easily see the dollar signs in the studio's eyes, but I went with it.

Then this happened...

Oh well, at least it's the last on- wait a sec... What's that at the bottom of the title? Part 1?!!

Yeah, I know of some fans that liked seeing more than one movie, but for the most part, people agree that the first one has way too much padding while the second one has way too many montages of things that probably took more time in the book than in the movie. Okay, so two franchises who know what they are doing decide to do the split treatment, so Twilight wrongfully believes that it can do it as well. Okay, so as long as this is the end of it, we should be fine.

Okay guys seriously, this is getting old. These books aren't even that long. You could read them in an afternoon if you wanted.

God damnit Jackson! You were my argument in its defense!

Lionsgate To Split Final ‘Divergent’ Sequel ‘Allegiant’ Into Two Films 

Who the fuck invited you guys?!

Compare that to this summer's Days of Future Past. That movie attempted to take a story arc that covered several issues of comics and condense it into a 2 hour movie. You heard that right, it only took two hours to tell the whole story. And you want to know the one phrase I keep hearing when people talk about X-Men Days of Future Past?

"I thought they were gonna need to split it into two movies, but they managed to cover everything pretty well in a two hour span"

That's right, the one time where people almost preferred the split, and they managed to satisfy the fans with only two hours. It may be just me, but if anybody is doing something right, it's the guy whose movie made a ton of money AND had a score of 93% on rotten tomatoes.

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret: It's okay to just do one movie. And if you feel that strongly that your material absolutely needs to be stretched out like a hind and quartering victim, then you should just do the Martin/Kirkman route and hand it over to a TV station to be turned into a series on TV. All things considered, it's working out for them.

Here's the real trouble with the splitting of books: You know you're gonna see it. You just know it. I know it. And I'm right there with the rest of you, I can't judge. I'm a total sucker for the Hobbit trilogy and even though I liked the first one and thought the second one was meh at best, I'm still man enough to admit that I'll go see the third movie. I mean, I gotta see the battle of the five armies! I can't wait to see Smaug burn Laketown. Oh and how about Gandalf going up against Suaron? That was cool! See? I'm in the same trap as the rest of you. Hunger Games fans are gonna say the same thing. Twihards said it, but they don't know what they are talking about half the time so it really doesn't matter. I guess the Divergent crowd will probably say the same thing. Let's face it guys, the studio has us by the balls on this one. And they know it. I would propose a solution but the solution is simple: we just stop going to see the second and third parts no matter how much we want to. Eventually they'll get the message. And then they're gonna ignore it and keep doing it anyway.

The Trouble With: Prometheus

There are good movies, there are bad movies, and then there are movies that nobody can agree on. Is it good, or is it terrible? And no other movie seems to have audiences split more than Ridley Scott's Prometheus. Some people see it as a worthy attempt at creating a sci-fi cinematic experience, while others see it as a total letdown. Me personally, I'm on the fence. I admit to liking it when it came out, but after a few viewings, as well as watching the first two Alien films, which this movie is supposed to be a sort-of prequel to, I have a few bones of my own to pick.

But first, a little backstory. 
Prometheus was originally slated as being a two-part Alien prequel. That's all anybody really knows about the original project because soon after that was announced, the whole prequel idea was scrapped in favor of a story about people who go on a quest for answers about mankind's origins... and somewhere in there are xenomorphs (the closest thing we get to an actual xenomorph is the shark thing pictured above) and space jockeys. Really the only solid connection between this movie and the Alien series is the presence of the Weyland-Yutani corporation, which has been a constant presence throughout the series, even in the Alien vs Predator movies.

So what is the actual movie about?
Well, like I said, for some reason they decided to abandon the story about what led up to the events with Ellen Ripley and just went with this whole quest for answers story. Ironically, fans of the series have been on their own quest for answers since Prometheus first came out.

Two scientists discover a series of cave paintings and carvings from different cultures all around the world that all depict similar images of people bowing before giant beings that are pointing to the stars. Coincidentally, the stars they are pointing to are the exact same constellation in every image. And for some reason, the scientists believe that these beings want mankind to come and find them, because these images indicate that humans were created by these beings, rather than they just visited, even though there are no paintings of these Engineers (as they get to be called, fans know them as space jockeys) actually creating them, or leading them in any way.

Are you already confused? Hold onto your hat. This happens before the five minute mark.

After approaching the Weyland-Yutani company, they are given (literally) a trillion dollars to finance this expedition. Being that it's the Weyland-Yutani company of course, there's always a hidden sinister agenda. Now, the trailer says that they went on a quest for answers but what they found was far worse. Of the original questions, only one was answered, and it was the one that we already knew the answer to "Did the engineers create us?" even though they took a complete shot in the dark, they are somehow proven right.

Now here are the questions that remain unanswered.

Why did they create us?
Why did they decide that we should be destroyed? Is it like a Noah's ark situation where they decided we were a failed experiment?
What happened that delayed them? We see hologram projections of Engineers running for something, but what was it? And why didn't the scientists come across even a dead body of something in the caves.
How did the one engineer manage to survive and hibernate all these years? Which would be around a billion by the time the movie takes place?
Why does the black goo they find in the caves turn one guy into a space zombie and completely destroy that other guy?
So, is Charlize Theron a robot, or is she just that bland?
Why does David survive getting his head ripped off when that is what killed Ash, a later model of Android that was in Alien, which took place sixty years later?
Why would you hire Guy Pearce to play an old man with horrible make up when you could just as easily hired an older actor and not made a fool of your make up department?
Why did David poison the other scientist by slipping the black goo into his drink? If all that was needed to create weapons was the goo,which in and of itself is a Maguffin entirely (seriously, we never learn what it is or how it works) then why didn't they just take a sample home with them?
Why are the engineers seen in the cave paintings with humans when the one that created mankind sacrificed himself to create mankind, and that would have been hundreds if not thousands of years beforehand?

And those are just the questions about the story.
Here are the questions behind characters doing stupid things.

Why did the scientists think that the engineers wanted us to find them? All they know is that they dropped us here on earth and peaced out.
How did they come to the conclusion that they wanted to destroy us too? Again, they turned out to be right, but that's another very loose connection you are drawing.
Why did a biologist, and the most freaked out member of the crew, think that touching this would be a good idea?

(at least he only tried to stick his finger in there)

Why do you have a medical pod that only works on men? Wouldn't a medical pod that works for both sexes be much more efficient? And it's stored in the quarters of a woman?
How does the machine preform a C-section for a man? How many pregnant men were they expecting on this expedition?
Why does Shaw decide to go to the Engineers' homeworld if she already knows that going there will just remind them that they were going to try to wipe out mankind before? I know she wants answers (not nearly as much as the audience), but at this point, from a character standpoint, it just doesn't seem worth it anymore. Just head home, sell whats inside the ship to Weyland, and wipe your hands of this mess.

And finally, the last question that everybody is asking...

How does asking a woman if she's a robot get you laid?


(Maybe it's the eyebrows. Or the mustache. Or the accent. Yeah. It's the accent.)

Final Thoughts
I know that's a lot of questions to ask, and it may border on the line of nit-pickery, but go back and watch the movie and check off the questions that are actually answered. Double points if you can do it without the help of the internet or outside sources. And don't use the line "it's what I choose to believe" as a reason for any of them, because I happen to know that Ridley Scott is an agnostic, so even he has to think that's bullshit to a degree. The tagline for this movie should have been:

They went searching for answers.

What they got

Was more questions.

And answers they just made up themselves.

This Needs to Happen Now

Of all the people out there in the world, studio executives seem to be the most annoying individuals on the planet. They have the power to put out everything that we see on the big screen. What's worse is that they know they have this power, and they are using it for EVIL. Or rather, they are refusing to use it for the greater good. Sure, they still keep putting out movies like Movie 43 and Resident Evil, but there is one sin of omission that studio executives are guilty of above all, a sin that has people ranging from mildly annoyed to writing blog posts about it. The travesty to which I am referring is they have yet to let this happen:



What is that?
Well, it's a picture of the Avengers.

Yes, but what are Wolverine and Spider-Man doing there?
And so we arrive at my point. Everybody and their mother wants to see Wolverine and Spiderman assemble with the rest of the team, seeing as how in the comics, they are a central part of the Avengers. Hell even the people making the movies want to see it happen. Joss Whedon has gone on record saying he would love to make it, Hugh Jackman wants to be in it so that he can have a fight scene with Hulk, every fan imaginable wants to see it. So why hasn't it happened yet? Disney owns Marvel now, so they should be the one holding all the cards. This should have happened yesterday. Actually, this should have happened two years ago when the first Avengers movie came out. At that point, it wouldn't have been too hard to intertwine the X-Men and Marvel Universe movies together. Today it's damn near impossible now that Days of Future Past has come and knocked the whole timeline on its ass.

So why hasn't it happened?
Well, the keyword is that Disney/Marvel should hold all the cards because they hold the central component, being Marvel comics and the studio. Unfortunately, they don't. 20th Century Fox has the rights for the X-Men franchise and all its characters, while Sony holds the webslinger in its own web. And if you were expecting either studio to play nicely with their most precious toys, you'd have a better time waiting for Justin Bieber to not be a tool. Which really makes no sense because you want a solution? Cause I've got one.

Step 1: Kill Justin Bieber. End of story.

Now, my solution for the Marvel crisis.

Step 1: Sit all three studios in one room, have Joss Whedon, Bryan Singer, and Mark Webb present as well, seeing as how they are the directorial heads of each of the franchises.

Step 2: Disney/Marvel says that they would like the rights to the characters so they can appear in the upcoming Avengers movies, and are willing to pay any price, maybe even have Bob Iger whip out a blank check to display their resolve and willingness to cooperate. Sony/Fox (ideally) agree to it, as long as they can have a share of the profits (which will be vast) and maybe even have their studios' logos appear at the beginning. Sure that would be a long time of just logos, but that's a relatively small price to pay, I think. They also still have the rights so they can still keep making X-Men and Spider-Man movies under their own studio.

Step 3: Have Whedon, Singer, and Webb meet in a separate room to work out a way for their stories to intertwine without becoming a complete clusterfuck.

Step 4: Make the damn movie already

There you go, a four step plan to satisfying all the fans and making a shitzillion dollars. Because there is no way in this or any other universe that an Avengers movie with Wolverine and Spider-Man would make any less. And this plan is way less complicated than the one they concocted to put Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch in The Avengers: Age of Ultron, even though Quicksilver has already appeared in Days of Future Past, and will also appear in Apocalypse.

I doubt any studio exec will ever read these words, even though they shouldn't have to read it. They should have figured this out already. But whatever. Who would you like to see join the Avengers, who hasn't already? And please don't be that guy that says Batman, because I will reach through the screen and slap you.

The Transformers movies (sans Age of Extinction): This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

It's not very often that a movie series's entire existence is what inspires me to write a blog post again. But alas, here we are. Of all the movie franchises to come out since the new millenium, no series has taken as much crap as the Transformers movies. With the exception of the first one, audiences seem to be in general agreement that Transformers pretty much sucks balls. Though, let's be honest here, even the first one has been condemned by some movie goers. So for the sake of argument, let's just say that we hate all the Transformers movies.

But why? Well, much like the Star Wars prequels, everybody seems to have their own reason for it. But here, I've come up with the top five reasons that we all hate Transformers. Feel free to pick your favorites

#1- The Run Time
For some people, it's the fact that a stupid mindless action movie is 2 1/2 hours (which gives The Dark Knight and Django Unchained a run for their money) when it could just be 90 minutes. I personally never minded a long run time. Except when I have to pee. But that's a common complaint I hear about them, so I'm putting it up here.

#2- The Humor
For some people, it's that world-class Michael Bay humor that sits on the border between "Just plain stupid" and "Downright racist/sexist".
(Case and point, these two)

 (And these two, to drive my point home. Well, three. There was a scene that involved that dog ferociously humping another dog)
While we are in this category, we might as well mention the not-so-subtle misogyny that Michael Bay exhibits towards the leading ladies in the movies.

(Seriously, there are so many other more efficient ways to position yourself while doing this)
(This shot was held for several seconds while destruction and explosions and, you know, stuff is going on around her. Her first scene is her wearing nothing but Shia's shirt. Her scene after that is her dressed like a sexy librarian.)

I would get started on the inclusion of actors like John Turturro, Francis Macdormand and John Malkovich, but I respect the Coen brothers far too much to go down that dark path.

#3- The Story (Villain)
And for others, it's, well, everything. Honestly, when you sit and actually listen to the dialogue and pay attention to the story, just about everything is wrong with them. Now, I know some Transformers apologists who say that "They're just summer action flicks", which is true, but does that give them an excuse to just not try? Or rather, try, but come up with the stupidest fucking thing possible?

(Seriously? Robot Heaven? Are we gonna find Data and Bishop up there too?)

For example, have you ever noticed that whoever the villain is in any of these movies, their plot is essentially always the exact same thing? They want to rebuild their homeworld, so they find some stupid maguffin artifact thingy, and they need to use Earth as a host to rebuild their planet... For some reason. Seriously, it's never explained why they even need to rebuild their planet in the first place. They can survive just fine on earth. Now as I'm typing this, I've yet to see the new one, but how much do you want to bet that's gonna be the story again?
 Compare that to Man of Steel. Bear with me. One of the problems I had with that movie is that Zod's plan was essentially the same as the villains in Transformers. Here's the difference. There was more weight felt with Zod. It's already established that Zod has been practically programmed to do anything for the sake of his people, and his planet, hence his rebellion at the beginning. In the flashback scenes later on, Zod and his followers are shown feeling absolutely destroyed at seeing the remnants of their civilization. So, for them, recreating Krypton and bringing back their people becomes the noblest of goals. Yes, they still do villainous things and the audience doesn't identify with them, but at least we are given a reason. Transformers, on the other hand, we just have to go with it.

I hate to keep bringing examples of why these movies are terrible, but with these movies, it's like shooting fish in a barrel made of fish. Here's another example:

#4- The Story (Heroes)
The story at the beginning of all these movies is the same too. Humanity begins to question whether or not the transformers should be welcome on earth. Some shit happens, somebody blames the autobots and they are forced to leave. Right after this decision is made, some more shit happens and we decide that we need them again, and they save the day. By the third movie, you'd think the humans would have learned to just adapt to having them around.

#5- The Characters
And that leads to my final point about. (I swear, I am not looking for things to hate, they just present themselves to me). The human characters in these movies are placed into two categories: dull and boring, or annoying and retarded (again I point to the parents). The female leads are given nothing to do except to get captured and look pretty. The rest of the time, they're just, there.  The soldiers are there to just be useless in a fight, and Shia Labeouf is just there for us to loathe.There's always a political figure in there to get angry at the autobots. They're supposed to be the jerk of the story, until you realize they kind of have a point. This time around, it's played by Stanley Tucci. This is why we can't have nice things.

The autobot characters are placed into two categories as well: Optimus Prime/Megatron, and everybody else. Okay, maybe Bumblebee is the exception but seriously, apart from those three, can you remember any of the names of the other autobots? And more importantly than that, can you remember what they look like? Another common complaint about these movies is that they make almost no effort to distinguish the autobots from the decepticons. Which makes these siezure inducing fight scenes all the more hard to watch. Who am I supposed to root for? Well, there's Optimus, so let's just keep our eye on him.

And let's be honest, the characters might be the most glaring issue with the trilogy. We seem to have entered an age where characters are all that people talk about nowadays. Depending on which franchise you're talking about, characters are usually what end up being people's favorite thing about a series. And the fact that a sci-fi series of all things with thousand year old robots that just end up being bland or annoying, might just be the biggest nail in the coffin.

So there you go, my top five reasons for not liking the Transformers movies. If you think of more, let me know. If you enjoy them, more power to you.