Summer 2014 Round Up Pt 2

Well, we talked about the movies that were really good, now let's talk about the movies that sucked hard.

5. Transformers: Age of Extinction


Okay, I'll admit, I didn't actually see this one. Did it really warrant watching it though? It's still Michael Bay in the directing chair, it's still the same dumb writing, and it's still way longer than it has to be. Seriously, there's no reason for these movies to be pushing Lord of the Rings time.

4. Maleficent



This one really hurt because I was really intrigued to see what Disney would do with a story revolving around its most well -known villain. Turns out, the movie didn't really know what it wanted to with her story either. It certainly didn't give a rat's ass about staying truthful to the source material. Seriously, her most iconic scene is when she turned into a dragon, and she doesn't even turn into a dragon in this movie.

Actually.... Yeah, fuck it, I'm gonna do a later blog post about how to fix Maleficent. Moving on.

3. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles



Okay, I'll admit again, I didn't see this one either. But let's put it this way: Michael Bay decides to put his own spin on a popular franchise and he gives the responsibility to the director of such hits as Battle: Los Angeles and Wrath of the Titans. Sounds like a blockbuster to me.

2. The Amazing Spider-Man 2



Fuck Spider-Man. He's too busy cracking jokes to stop the asshole that's running over cop cars and innocent civilians. He also won't give a blood sample to his dying friend because it might not work. Well hey, at least you could say you tried, dumbass. And of course, the sole purpose of this movie was to set up the Sinister Six, who apparently aren't building their own weapons, they have already been built, all OSCORP has to do is hand them out like Secret Santa gifts. What's that?Setting up backstory and motivations? Ain't nobody go time fo dat! We just have time for the cutesy romantic subplot.

1. A Million Ways to Die in the West



Seth Macfarlane used to be a good writer. The first few seasons of Family Guy are actually hilarious. I even enjoyed Ted immensely. The last few seasons and this movie have proven that there is one thing Seth Macfarlane reigns supreme at, and that's sucking his own dick. Here is the thought process on this movie "Hey I want to make a movie where I'm the underdog who gets into a fight with Neil Patrick Harris over a woman, then I get to kill Liam Neeson, and I get to make out with Charlize Theron" yeah, this is just Seth Macfarlane's salute to his own ego. A salute to the laziest comedy writer who is still somehow successful. A writer who has written the same formula for a show at least three times and yet his shows still keep getting greenlit. And a director who made the brilliant decision of spoiling all the 'best' jokes in the trailer. Who in their right mind would think spoiling a Christopher Lloyd cameo would be a good idea? Don't get me wrong, I think Seth Macfarlane is a talented guy who can write some very clever stuff. However, it's much easier for him to fall back on his usual formula, and it's even easier for him to get wrapped up in himself.