You know what is one type of movie we don't have enough of? Badass historical biopics. That should be its own genre. You know what should be even more common? Biopics of people you probably haven't heard of but probably should have. Seriously, we have movies about Lincoln, J Edgar, Churchill, Patton and John Adams (all of which I just realized are the titles of their respective movies), but why can't we get movies for the lesser known figures throughout history? In some cases, they are more deserving of a movie than the people we have given movies too. Here are a few historical figures whose life stories may be too awesome for cinematic interpretation.
#5- William Tecumseh Sherman
I can't tell if he is flipping the camera guy off, or fondling his trusty sidearm. Probably both.
This Clint Eastwood looking Mother F*&%$# already has a god damn tank named after him, so having a movie with his name would be a step down in his case. Nonetheless, William T Sherman was a well known and more well feared than anything else general of the Civil War. Fighting for the Union under General Ulysses S Grant, Sherman was something of a mad dog, that Grant would sic on the state of Georgia. Georgia, of course, being one of those states any Union officer would love to just punch in the face, and that honor was given to the guy who would go on to have a war machine bearing his name.Needless to say, the occupants of the state's capital were terrified at the prospects of fighting a guy who looked he'd shoot you for telling him his look was not "Disney-appropriate", and tried to reason with him, begging him to go easy and spare the town from his storm like furry. Unfortunately, they caught Sherman when he was not in so much of a negotiating mood, as he was in a 'punching racist hillbillies in the face' mood, so he kindly responded with "You may as well appeal against a thunderstorm". (For the record, he did include that he was only doing this on orders, not that that made the situation any better) The people of Atlanta, having shit themselves (some of them in the literal sense I imagine), immediately tried to clear the city of anything and everything that they could carry and anything that would be of value. Unfortunately for both parties, that included whiskey. Of course we all know what happens when we combine panicking rednecks with spilling of whiskey. By no action of Sherman's the city actually caught fire as a result of the panic and the spilling of highly flammable liquid. Sherman, thinking they had started the party without him, promptly charged into the city and burned to the ground what they hadn't already burned themselves.
Why I want to see this movie: I know it's hard to talk about the Civil War, but unpleasent as it is, it is a part of our history, and apart from that, we don't seem to have many movies about the more audacious figures of history. Apart from Patton, there aren't really that many others. One of Patton's strengths is that it doesn't really tell the audience how it should feel about its protagonist or its subject material, it just presents the story in a factual manner and lets you decide. So for that reason, a film about Sherman's military career would be an interesting movie.
Because heavy armor is for pussies
#4- The Almogavars
I'll admit, I don't know a whole lot about these guys. What I do know is that they were a group of Crusader Mercenaries. The other thing that I know about them is that as they would charge into battle, they would scrape their weapons on the ground to create sparks while shouting "Awake Iron!"
Why I want to see this movie: Because I think I just described the opening to the most epic of all battle scenes.
#3- Andrew Jackson
His hair alone has probably seen, caused, and gotten more action than I will in my lifetime.
Okay, so remember when I said that just because I wanted to see a movie about these guys didn't necessarily mean I think everything they did was okay? Here is where I am going to exercise this disclaimer and also point out that there is really only one specific incident in Jackson's life that I want to see on the silver screen and that is the Battle of New Orleans. A little history for you. In 1814, the british decided that they weren't done with us quite yet, and massed a full on assault on the young nation known as the United States of America. First they hit the upper east coast, attacking and burning the nation's capital as well as shelling a number of nearby citites. Their other point of attack was in the south, primarily at the port city of New Orleans, which was a prime center for trade seeing as how it granted perfect access to the Mississippi River.Who happened to be in charge of defending the city? None other than Old Hickory himself (a name he got for beating a would-be assassin within an inch of his life with a hickory cane). What were the resources at his disposal? A city on the edge of a swamp, a handful of soldiers, some of them slaves, most of which didn't speak english or had never held a weapon in their life, or pirates with no knowledge of strategy. The British on the other hand, had a force twice that size of battle hardened redcoats, a good number of them probably still bitter from the outcome of the revolution. The odds were not stacked in Jackson's favor. And yet, with the tactical mind of a war hero such as himself, combined with the ingenuity of the kid from Home Alone, Jackson managed to halt the British invasion of New Orleans and deny them access to the Mississippi. Remember what Mance Rayder said about combining the wildlings on Game of Thrones? "Do you know how I got all these people to unite under one banner? I told them we were all going to die if we didn't" Andrew Jackson was like a real-life version of that character.
Why do I want to see this movie? Imagine a version of the movie 300 where the spartans managed to send the Persians packing with tails between legs. Only in this version, the spartans aren't trained as well and they don't all speak the same language. And there aren't any leather speedos. I prefer this version much more.
#2- John Paul Jones
Pictured: his awkward yearbook photo. Below: His facebook profile picture
John Paul Jones may have a less than masculine looking yearbook photo, but don't let that fool you. He pulled off one of the most daring stunts of any naval battle of the American Revolution. Being in command of a merchant ship called the Bonhomme Richard doesn't exactly raise your sex appeal much, but engaging in a battle against a superior warship called the Serapis certainly does. At one point, Jones' unfortunately named ship had been shot to pieces, and upon being told by the british commander to surrender, Jones cried out "(Bitch) I have not yet begun to fight!"He then proceeded to ram his ship into the Serapis and capture it for his own. Sure shut them up. As it turns out, the commander he had crossed swords with survived his encounter with Jones and was even knighted for valor. I guess the English had a different definition of that word than the rest of the world. Jones said that if he ever met him again, he'd make sure he made it to the status of Lord.
Why do I want to see this movie? Honestly, I feel like what I described was just out of a movie, and it would probably be a movie that critics would call too unrealistic or too cartoony because nobody could have pulled that off. Goes to show that sometimes real life is better than movies. Hell that line about making his rival a lord was almost like a set up for a badass sequel. Hopefully one that would involve the commander saying "Jones" all menacing an annoyed, like every Indiana Jones villain there is.
#1- Vlad "the Impaler" Tepes aka Count Dracula
Go ahead, I double dog dare you to make fun of his facial hair and his red velvet pajamas.
Oh Hollywood, why must you always get this one wrong? Seriously, with such fascination in characters like Walter White and Frank Underwood, you would think that we could get the original anti-hero right. But instead he keeps getting painted as a psychotic madman. Try telling that to the Romanian people, see how well that goes for you. Here's a little history. Vlad Tepes was the son of a Transylvanian nobleman who was given to the Turkish Sultan as a sort of well-kept hostage (think Theon Greyjoy, only with more balls). After he grew up, he escaped and vowed to protect his land from the Turks by any means necessary. And I do mean ANY. Guy didn't take shit from nobody. You rise against him, he treats you to a nice dinner... and then impales you. Yeah, I will admit he did have some weird fetishes, impaling being the most well known. The trouble with a character like Vlad Tepes is that much of his story was fabricated by his enemies in order to damage his reputation. The problem is that we don't know to what degree was it made up. I can confidently say that him drinking blood was probably less than true, seeing as how drinking blood at all is less than healthy. Drinking the blood of a deceased person who lived in 15th century eastern europe is another story.
Why do I want to see this movie? A lot of reasons really, though I think I'd be in the minority on this one. You see, I've always been fascinated by people who history has painted as being a certain way, only for researchers to dig and find that not everything is as it seems. To a lot of people he is seen as a madman, to the Romanians he is seen as a national hero. And again, with the growing fascination in pop culture for anti-heroes such as Walter White, it would be interesting to see how a director would paint a figure like Vlad the Impaler, or as I call him, the original Anti-Hero.
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